I had a dream last evening, when I was curled next to Zillah. He was laying there pretending to be asleep, I suppose, or resorting back to something that is an old habit. Like when we sit at the dinner table and he plays with his food until he tires of it. It sickens him, he says. I think we go through this ritual because I need to eat and our child will do so as well and maybe that is why he joins me at night.But back to my dream....... It was all in black and white like an old movie, and I was in the dream, it was me as a small girl with big eyes and long dark hair. I was lined up with my other "sisters". We were surrounding a pit like area that was perhaps a swimming pool in length and depth, it had been carefully carved out and was made of smooth rock. There in the center, was my sister Naella. Who was older by at least 14 years. She was not old in her own right, and very pleasing to the eye as the Sultan had said on many an occasion. She had been graduated to serve as a prized commodity in the Sultan's harem however, this did not last long. She had been accused by Jadya who had been the favoured girl prior to Naella's arrival of being in love with another man. I new the man Kallid, he was a guard at the palace a good confidant and had the situation be different, would have been an suitor of Naella. It would seem that Naella had not pleaded her case very well, and she wasjudged to be put to death for dishonour. We were forced to watch, as the Sultan's men including Kallid picked up rounded solid white rocks. I remember focusing on them, they must have been carefully selected for their size. Their hands lifted and they started to pound them into the flesh of the screaming Naella. Her eyes met mine, there was horror and pain, and in an odd flash a sense of escapism, perhaps one would call it freedom. Our eyes remain locked until you could no longer make an eye from the remains of flesh that was the beautiful Naella. I was frozen, I could not move nor speak, the moment seemed unreal and still. That was the moment that I first encounter the loss of life. Death reeked over the body, stained the perfectly white rounded rocks. Over the smooth rock pit was tainted the spillage, bones, flesh, debris, and I remained where I was. Our "mother" Zavreed came to collect us after "the lesson," however I did not move. She was upset I would incur the wrath of the Sultan but he silenced her and said, "Give the girl time to think. She is watching and taking great caution in the path she chooses, for she realizes her place where her sister clearly did, not." I remember briefly looking at him, he was stroking his thick hair and gazing at me as one might look a fine horse. I remember getting a shiver of disgust when I saw him lick his lips and mutters something, the only words I heard was "catch that one ...when she is ripe." I turned away from that man and back down at the beautiful Naella, I swore I would never forget her or that day, and I clearly have not.I woke up naturally in night sweats, and Zillah was there first question out of his mouth, "wots the matter with you woman?" I sighed and lied to him muttering something about pickles and the righteous indication of a pregnant woman. I feel bad about deceiving him but I fear that he would make fun of my dream. I fear I would be called weak or stupid, all these horrible thoughts race across my silly mind and I try desperately to contain them. I try to not think of my shape, or the status of my relationship, or where and if I lost myself. These are troubled times....and where oh where is my damned pickle.It is interesting to note that smooth rocks were used for runes meaning were told by the Magician of Agrabah to me they are called Master. Master means start with nothing and anything is possible. Make your desires and wishes come true and follow your heart knowing that you are stronger than you think you are
