Tango with Fate

"I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

what have I become?"

The bodies had become countless, one red blur melding into the screaming of the next. At the time it all seems so real like you can clearly see why all of this is happening why the pittiful creature needs to succumb. But then you glimer in their eyes a flash of the real soul, that you are the pittiful creature not them. Here I was, swollen with child and covered in blood, loathing and filled with this unexpressed anger and emotion.

They say you remember certain days, the day I gave birth to Ameera was such a day. Typically enough cloudy and overcast, the nursing maid that I had hired had made sure the storm shutters were on and the door securely barred. It was a long birth and particular painful a slice of agony served with a beautiful baby girl on a platter. She was worth it, that brief moment when I truly felt close to Ameera. I held her and she looked at me, with Zillahs eyes. I knew that moment her name was going to be Ameera a noble proud name. But in the background the nursemaid had peaked at the moon and had been muttering about bad omens.

"Everyone I know goes away

in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt"

It was not even a day later and I had taken her out to get some clothings and to meet the one that was her father. She had escaped while I had been bartering with a merchant, and the Coven lady found her. Bringing her to her Sire. Even at a young age she ran to her father, I would later be told you can't fight some things. Its hard to see a part of you that.......really isn't. I worry for her and fret for her now I trust the one that seems to look only out for himself, to mind her. I won't put him down even though I truly realize my position with him. I choose to no longer think on such things. Those hopes and dreams are now simply wounds, wounds that will not heal.

"I wear this crown of thorns

upon my liar's chair

full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

beneath the stains of time

the feelings disappear

you are someone else

I am still right here"

Though as some doors close, others open. I have had other friends start to come around more often. My relationship with my mother is getting stronger and she fills me with hope that my wanting a family will come. I have had a few would be suitors at my door too. Though there is a man he is dark and strange. He is nothing like the one I liked before, he seems sure of himself but unsure on how he interacts with people. It will be intresting to see how this works out.

"If I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way"

by NIN

The Hunger and the Tutor

I gnawed upon the flesh, it was chewy and in part sated the hunger but this did not seem enough. I smiled at the man whos eyes were wide and panic had started to set in. I said in what I hoped was a convincing tone, "Don't worry......your contributing to the strength of my child. Your name may long since be forgotten but the nourishment and strength that you give will live on." He didn't seem convinced, I goaded on, "Don't be selfish, thinking of just you...."
I was growing tire of trying to placate this selfish man. I brought my dagger out trying to figure out where the artery of the neck is, a slash here, with a fine line of blood. Frowning and thinking this isn't going as well as it should be, I growl at him like it is somehow further his fault. Then trip a little gauging the dagger into the adams apple. Blood spurting me in the face, ruining my pretty dress. Blinking a little and almost an apology escaping from her lips. But pausing and getting mad again, she doesn't owe him anything, he owes her and her child. There was so much blood about the now recently deceased man. I started to skin the man, to get all the hair off, because logically who likes eating hair? Anyone who does, now that is truly sick. I get a basket to put all the undesirables, I relieve him of his ears and head, arms and feet and private regions. Taking out the guts, god those are like big neverending worms, into the basket they all went. I had to get changed and get a new basket because it was too much, I dragged the basket out and decided to dump the remaints of the body into the ocean near where the fisherman fish. You know figure help them a little bit with some new crab or fish bait. Then get a different basket, pausing afterwards to sit on the edge of the fountain. Damn feet of a pregnant woman, swollen and abused. Finally I drag myself up and get to work, I save the heart and get rid of kidneys, gallbladder, stomach. The meat I put some salt on it and take it to my room and hang it up, letting it dry or that is the theory. My mouth moistening as I see some leftovers, I pan fry it with some garlic and a little marigold flower. Then serve it as I eat it, it saddens me a little. Not the death but that this is my secret now, my burden and beast. Plus I need to find some good recipes for meat.