"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?"
The bodies had become countless, one red blur melding into the screaming of the next. At the time it all seems so real like you can clearly see why all of this is happening why the pittiful creature needs to succumb. But then you glimer in their eyes a flash of the real soul, that you are the pittiful creature not them. Here I was, swollen with child and covered in blood, loathing and filled with this unexpressed anger and emotion.
They say you remember certain days, the day I gave birth to Ameera was such a day. Typically enough cloudy and overcast, the nursing maid that I had hired had made sure the storm shutters were on and the door securely barred. It was a long birth and particular painful a slice of agony served with a beautiful baby girl on a platter. She was worth it, that brief moment when I truly felt close to Ameera. I held her and she looked at me, with Zillahs eyes. I knew that moment her name was going to be Ameera a noble proud name. But in the background the nursemaid had peaked at the moon and had been muttering about bad omens.
"Everyone I know goes away
in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt"
It was not even a day later and I had taken her out to get some clothings and to meet the one that was her father. She had escaped while I had been bartering with a merchant, and the Coven lady found her. Bringing her to her Sire. Even at a young age she ran to her father, I would later be told you can't fight some things. Its hard to see a part of you that.......really isn't. I worry for her and fret for her now I trust the one that seems to look only out for himself, to mind her. I won't put him down even though I truly realize my position with him. I choose to no longer think on such things. Those hopes and dreams are now simply wounds, wounds that will not heal.
"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here"
Though as some doors close, others open. I have had other friends start to come around more often. My relationship with my mother is getting stronger and she fills me with hope that my wanting a family will come. I have had a few would be suitors at my door too. Though there is a man he is dark and strange. He is nothing like the one I liked before, he seems sure of himself but unsure on how he interacts with people. It will be intresting to see how this works out.
"If I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"
by NIN
