The Weaver of the Web

The native americans believe in a creature that spun time and all things. The spider which exists everywhere and manages to spin her webs in all things. The dreamcatcher which coincidentally resembles a web catches all bad dreams and allows for the good dreams to be allowed to evolved.

I have found my dreamcatcher, who has taken all the impurities away from me. Sifted through my layers allowing me to peel each complication and bruised layer to unveil a much stronger and healthier layer. I would not say it has been a bad dream to which I imerged, for that would be giving it too much credit. More of an serious of vague memories that have been pushed and forgotten.

My dreamcatcher has come to me like a phoenix, born through ashes he was able to imerge. When we talk the ebb and flow of our words are naturally absorbed and given back and feels like a union of the soul. I can not wait to tell him of our joy....... the ultimate gift.

Tango with Fate

"I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

what have I become?"

The bodies had become countless, one red blur melding into the screaming of the next. At the time it all seems so real like you can clearly see why all of this is happening why the pittiful creature needs to succumb. But then you glimer in their eyes a flash of the real soul, that you are the pittiful creature not them. Here I was, swollen with child and covered in blood, loathing and filled with this unexpressed anger and emotion.

They say you remember certain days, the day I gave birth to Ameera was such a day. Typically enough cloudy and overcast, the nursing maid that I had hired had made sure the storm shutters were on and the door securely barred. It was a long birth and particular painful a slice of agony served with a beautiful baby girl on a platter. She was worth it, that brief moment when I truly felt close to Ameera. I held her and she looked at me, with Zillahs eyes. I knew that moment her name was going to be Ameera a noble proud name. But in the background the nursemaid had peaked at the moon and had been muttering about bad omens.

"Everyone I know goes away

in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt"

It was not even a day later and I had taken her out to get some clothings and to meet the one that was her father. She had escaped while I had been bartering with a merchant, and the Coven lady found her. Bringing her to her Sire. Even at a young age she ran to her father, I would later be told you can't fight some things. Its hard to see a part of you that.......really isn't. I worry for her and fret for her now I trust the one that seems to look only out for himself, to mind her. I won't put him down even though I truly realize my position with him. I choose to no longer think on such things. Those hopes and dreams are now simply wounds, wounds that will not heal.

"I wear this crown of thorns

upon my liar's chair

full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

beneath the stains of time

the feelings disappear

you are someone else

I am still right here"

Though as some doors close, others open. I have had other friends start to come around more often. My relationship with my mother is getting stronger and she fills me with hope that my wanting a family will come. I have had a few would be suitors at my door too. Though there is a man he is dark and strange. He is nothing like the one I liked before, he seems sure of himself but unsure on how he interacts with people. It will be intresting to see how this works out.

"If I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way"

by NIN

The Hunger and the Tutor

I gnawed upon the flesh, it was chewy and in part sated the hunger but this did not seem enough. I smiled at the man whos eyes were wide and panic had started to set in. I said in what I hoped was a convincing tone, "Don't worry......your contributing to the strength of my child. Your name may long since be forgotten but the nourishment and strength that you give will live on." He didn't seem convinced, I goaded on, "Don't be selfish, thinking of just you...."
I was growing tire of trying to placate this selfish man. I brought my dagger out trying to figure out where the artery of the neck is, a slash here, with a fine line of blood. Frowning and thinking this isn't going as well as it should be, I growl at him like it is somehow further his fault. Then trip a little gauging the dagger into the adams apple. Blood spurting me in the face, ruining my pretty dress. Blinking a little and almost an apology escaping from her lips. But pausing and getting mad again, she doesn't owe him anything, he owes her and her child. There was so much blood about the now recently deceased man. I started to skin the man, to get all the hair off, because logically who likes eating hair? Anyone who does, now that is truly sick. I get a basket to put all the undesirables, I relieve him of his ears and head, arms and feet and private regions. Taking out the guts, god those are like big neverending worms, into the basket they all went. I had to get changed and get a new basket because it was too much, I dragged the basket out and decided to dump the remaints of the body into the ocean near where the fisherman fish. You know figure help them a little bit with some new crab or fish bait. Then get a different basket, pausing afterwards to sit on the edge of the fountain. Damn feet of a pregnant woman, swollen and abused. Finally I drag myself up and get to work, I save the heart and get rid of kidneys, gallbladder, stomach. The meat I put some salt on it and take it to my room and hang it up, letting it dry or that is the theory. My mouth moistening as I see some leftovers, I pan fry it with some garlic and a little marigold flower. Then serve it as I eat it, it saddens me a little. Not the death but that this is my secret now, my burden and beast. Plus I need to find some good recipes for meat.

To Cravings and New Awakenings

For some reason, thoughts of a novel by Josephe Conrad came to my mind, The Heart of Darkness. A few passages from its pages which had been deeply embedded into my mind. Striking bold words come to me during this dark, strange time.

“But his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had looked within itself and, by heavens I tell you, it had gone mad."

It had begun a normal day, I was exploring the mundane shores of Roman Britain. Sitting on the edge of the cliff with my feet poised over the jutting jagged rocks. The water hungrily lapping at them, splashing up ocassionally to moisten my tired swollen feet. I had been thinking of life, and wether or not the journey to obtain nice juicy girkins was indeed worth the discomfort and stiffness during this long out of the way trip. It was at this time that my stomach started to gurgle. Well my body had made her choice, I gathered my belongings and set off on the journey to gather my precious girkin. When I arrived, as usual, I was greeted with a pickle, the owner knowing of my fondness for them. I greedily sank my teeth into the succulent yet slightly crunchy flesh of the pickle and to my suprise, it was mildly pleasing but didn't quench my hunger. I thought maybe it is this delicous concoction called chocolate it is made from something called cocoa. Suprisingly enough it came from those Incans. I naturally thought that my those Indians make good chocolate. But although my fingers wear smeared with the remaints of the chocolate, my mouth filled with its perfect blend of sweet and strong chocolate, this did not quench my hunger. I thought maybe it was a desire to see him, so I started my journey off to London. I approached the warehouse and the place was locked with no signs of him. I frowned my annoyance and strange craving growing. I heard a noise and walked to the door and opened it and noticed a young fellow.

They say you always remember your first. I made my way towards him, I did not feel different, though my body did. It was the way a hunter moves when it is encircling and starting the dance of death with its prey. He seemed a little suprised to actually see someone, mail still clutched in his hand tightly. I watched him quirking my head to the side slightly to look at his side profile. "Are you frightened of this alley?" I inquired offering a smile which seemed to soothe the man, maybe instilling him in some confidence and cockiness. He gave a small nervous laugh and leaned in close as if sharing a deep secret, he points at the direction of his warehouse not seeming to notice this is where I had come from and pauses. Looking like the nervous creature, his eyes darting left and then to the right and whispers his confession. "The man that lives there, well.... I hear he is into only the most foul of things. I have heard from other people in this area that he kills there." I laughed at this and rest a hand on his assuringly and flashed him a breathtaking smile. He must have thought so, for his body language calmed right down. "That is a simple fairytale, the man that lives there is a business man, a powerful one at that. He has many a person that would spread some foolish tale to try to bismirch his reputation. Trust me.......he is nothing to worry about." I don't know why I was lying but I didn't care. He nodded and murmered if I needed any assistance in getting home. I said, I did in fact however the journey would be a rather long one. He said this was his last stop and he did not mind the travel. I listened to him prattle on about irrevelant matters. As we travelled my hunger was growing and somewhere in the back of my mind I was wondering why I was doing this?

We eventually reached my home in Tara. He noticed the fountain and decided to help himself, bending over to cup water in between his hands bringing up to his lips. I felt this urge to just whack his head. I don't know why I did, but I did. Instead I smoothed my hands down over my dress to where I found my katar, I raised it up and attempted to knock the man out. Although he twisted at last moment, and it nicked his neck and when straight into his clavicle bone with a landed with a sickening thunk. I frowned lost for a brief moment, looking at the blood slowly seeping from his wound. The material still wedged into the flesh. I grab the katana lifting it upand out of the flesh, some coming with it. I looked at him, who had a silly look of betrayal. By now he had brought out a dagger and I had summoned forth an Angel to hold him in his vice-like grip. I found a smile come to my lips and I caught a whiff of something, my mouth salivitating in anticipation.

Mmm........I need to pause to remember that split second moment where I took that bite sized piece of flesh into my hands. Brought it up to sniff it and then found my tongue licking up the pungent blood. The coppery taist coiling within my mouth, and my lips part to sink my teeth into the small piece of flesh.

(to be continued....)

Reflections of the Past

I had a dream last evening, when I was curled next to Zillah. He was laying there pretending to be asleep, I suppose, or resorting back to something that is an old habit. Like when we sit at the dinner table and he plays with his food until he tires of it. It sickens him, he says. I think we go through this ritual because I need to eat and our child will do so as well and maybe that is why he joins me at night.But back to my dream....... It was all in black and white like an old movie, and I was in the dream, it was me as a small girl with big eyes and long dark hair. I was lined up with my other "sisters". We were surrounding a pit like area that was perhaps a swimming pool in length and depth, it had been carefully carved out and was made of smooth rock. There in the center, was my sister Naella. Who was older by at least 14 years. She was not old in her own right, and very pleasing to the eye as the Sultan had said on many an occasion. She had been graduated to serve as a prized commodity in the Sultan's harem however, this did not last long. She had been accused by Jadya who had been the favoured girl prior to Naella's arrival of being in love with another man. I new the man Kallid, he was a guard at the palace a good confidant and had the situation be different, would have been an suitor of Naella. It would seem that Naella had not pleaded her case very well, and she wasjudged to be put to death for dishonour. We were forced to watch, as the Sultan's men including Kallid picked up rounded solid white rocks. I remember focusing on them, they must have been carefully selected for their size. Their hands lifted and they started to pound them into the flesh of the screaming Naella. Her eyes met mine, there was horror and pain, and in an odd flash a sense of escapism, perhaps one would call it freedom. Our eyes remain locked until you could no longer make an eye from the remains of flesh that was the beautiful Naella. I was frozen, I could not move nor speak, the moment seemed unreal and still. That was the moment that I first encounter the loss of life. Death reeked over the body, stained the perfectly white rounded rocks. Over the smooth rock pit was tainted the spillage, bones, flesh, debris, and I remained where I was. Our "mother" Zavreed came to collect us after "the lesson," however I did not move. She was upset I would incur the wrath of the Sultan but he silenced her and said, "Give the girl time to think. She is watching and taking great caution in the path she chooses, for she realizes her place where her sister clearly did, not." I remember briefly looking at him, he was stroking his thick hair and gazing at me as one might look a fine horse. I remember getting a shiver of disgust when I saw him lick his lips and mutters something, the only words I heard was "catch that one ...when she is ripe." I turned away from that man and back down at the beautiful Naella, I swore I would never forget her or that day, and I clearly have not.I woke up naturally in night sweats, and Zillah was there first question out of his mouth, "wots the matter with you woman?" I sighed and lied to him muttering something about pickles and the righteous indication of a pregnant woman. I feel bad about deceiving him but I fear that he would make fun of my dream. I fear I would be called weak or stupid, all these horrible thoughts race across my silly mind and I try desperately to contain them. I try to not think of my shape, or the status of my relationship, or where and if I lost myself. These are troubled times....and where oh where is my damned pickle.It is interesting to note that smooth rocks were used for runes meaning were told by the Magician of Agrabah to me they are called Master. Master means start with nothing and anything is possible. Make your desires and wishes come true and follow your heart knowing that you are stronger than you think you are

Dawning of the Days

Today is a day that will not be forgotten. It is one of those days when your given a blessing and a curse. It is one of those days that you look for each piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is your life, or adventure with an individual. I reflect upon my predicament with a sense of foreboding these are difficult and delicate times.I first saw him in the Inn of London, he was standing there gaunt and cocky. His broken slang heard clearly as he was mocking someone. I should have known that he was nothing but trouble, but that was the day that started my downfall. His spiky dark black loxes and his green eyes, peered at me while he jeered at someone that in comparison was unremarkable. He was looking as flashy as ever, ofcourse he didn't notice me in any remarkable way. I was shyer but like a fish I was hooked.I saw him a few times after and paying attention, and noticing an advertisement bearing his name. His name Zillah Grey, it strikes loathing to some and fear to many but to me and I suspect the female admires he manages to acquire, a thrill. I decided to approach him, again in the London Inn. He was leery and suspicious as I suspect I would be if the situations were reversed. He begun to tutor me on ins and outs of proper vampire and witch slaying. The order to which one slays, and of some of their vulgar habits or their stupidity. He speaks as if teaching these things are a greater purpose that he is sharing. Eventually I became to know about him, appreciate his quirks. He became my lover, my teacher and eventually my love. Our love is not what you read in those trashy romance manuscripts that the Sultan would discourage. His heart is held, and maybe never will truly be open to me. He has said he loved me, but he has said a lot of things...that prove not true. Maybe had he not had the mother he had, nor the tragic life on the streets and definitely not the habits. But then would he have time traveled, would his slang have caught my attention?I had thought we were safe in our predicament, I knew he had a lady love, a Miss Lime. Though he strayed from her with multiple women, he told me this himself. But I loved him, I needed him. Plus I had the reason/excuse to see him, that he was to tutor me. I did want to learn about vampires and witches, and more importantly about Zillah. The strangest things started to happen, I was sick when we traveled, moody and tender. I had thought that it was the virus, a virus that is what I told myself.......I eventually sought out Dr. Billyboy who is in question to if he is the Sire of me. He informed me of the "happy" news and how "lucky" I was. I was lucky? I was mortified. How could Zillah do this to me? but then......there was this new life in me. I tried to hide it from Zillah it was hard too, cuz I was getting sick all the time and acting weird. Zillah thought I was fooling around, scrumping he called it. He seems to think about Ramaku who is a flirt and didn't like him very much. I informed Zil, I wasn't. However he eventually figured it out with his friskiness. My bulge, damnit my body had betrayed me. Thus sort of became the trying times of our relationship. Zillah wanted me kept around near him, for him but not to be officially his. He was worried about my safety from the gypsy known as Lime and her hexes. He was worried for me and the babe (who had first he questioned if it was his, accused me of all sorts of improper things and called me horrid names). Well then what happen was of course Lime appears and gets upset and Zil ran off, leaving me. I was very upset at that moment, thought perhaps I would lose the poor child. But I met a really great friend Retsu, she talked with me and explained how you need to have more tolerance for difficult men. Zillah is difficult to say the very least. He came to the place I had hidden, and he talked to me, we had devised a plan to be deceptive for the sake of the baby. After much convincing, and at the time I was determined to keep it. We arrive in London, and coincidentally enough in London Inn. There appears Lime, she was a very pretty gypsy girl who weaved her reality spinning ways and I was in Bengal. I thought this rather odd, one day I was snuggling with Zillah then gone. Well I had made my way back, and be damned if she did not try again, course this time I was prepared. Then she did the same to Zillah. She wanted the truth, she was not casting hoaxes or hexes. She wanted the truth, Zillah was dodging and hedging and being shifty. Well eventually I spilled out the truth. Then like a possessed creature the beautiful gypsy girl committed suicide.I felt horrid, I should have lied..........No words or nice kind deed can replace that. Zillah was furious at first, then calm......then acted like he didn't need or love her. I hurt him........I really did with my stupidity, I just thought truth solves all, didn't it? All I wanted was everything to be open, no secrets. But Zil was right...........oh so right, he sent me away and then brought me back. He gave me an ultimatum, stay away from Ramaku, listen to his wisdom and don't go places which I don't know anything about. (I think it was the truth thing).I have no idea of what he feels toward me, or if he just keeps me around for the child I carry. I hope he does love me.......My heart is going to be bruised over and over by him, but I love him. That is my lot , this is my gem and my burden.